1000 Words: Rooted Heart.

In honor of Cupid + Hallmark, 1000 Words triumphantly returns!

No Leisure To Eat.

Such a provocative invitation from Jesus.

I live in a fairly steady experience of anxiety in these days, a combination of moving forward to a life overseas in South Africa for this next season, the hard realities of fundraising in a lingering recession, and the sense that I am on a precipice leading towards a new sort of life, a life greatly desired, yet feared as well. Anxiety is defined as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome,” which nails squarely on the head the reality of my life right now.

I am not uncertain of whether I am to return to South Africa, or whether God has called me there for at least this next transitional season of several years. But what about all the things I don’t know, like: When will I be fully supported? Will my needs be met in time? What will this next season be like relationally? How will I be developed as a leader? Am I really moving to the other side of the world, ‘for good’ in a sense? And a million other stray fragments similar to this.

I have a growing understanding that anxiety is largely a mental battle of vague, nagging thoughts, and often resides in the realm of non-reality. ‘What if?‘ is the question that imprisons the mind, shutting down the heart, in this state. That is why the call of Jesus to not worry about tomorrow (see Matthew 6) is so provocative, as well as His invitation to come away for rest in a season where His followers were described as having ‘no leisure to eat!’

Frankly, I want to continue worrying. I want to shove food down my throat while frantically attempting to finish seven different things at once. In some twisted, pathological way, I feed off of this sense of worry, finding some sense of a self, albeit a false one.  I am aware of, yet scared of, the whispered invitation of Jesus to open up my real self to Him today.  This involves Jesus being with me in my anxiety, not veiling it in some religious fog. What a profoundly unsettling, yet beautiful, invitation.

Defying The Human Impulse.

Discipline and self-control [are] the techniques we learn to keep our impulses in check.

We associate the willingness to risk great failure–and the ability to climb back from catastrophe–with courage. But in this we are wrong…There is more courage and heroism in defying the human impulse, in taking the purposeful and painful steps to prepare for the unimaginable. [Malcolm Gladwell, What The Dog Saw, pp. 70,75]

Malcolm Gladwell is one of the most brilliant authors I have ever read, and is famous for taking obscure stories and using them to unveil the psychology of human beings. His latest, What The Dog Saw, is a collection of his favorite essays from over 13 years spent writing for the New Yorker magazine. It’s been a fun read (as all Gladwell books are) as I slog through the fundraising process in seeking to return to South Africa in March.

As I gaze at the beginning of yet another day spent largely without a fixed schedule, in a friend’s house that I have invaded for a few weeks, ‘borrowing’ some wireless for a few minutes, I realize that the nature of what I am doing right now deliberately grinds against a need for self-discipline and control in my life. I could (and have) spend the majority of each day surfing the web, working in a mediocre fashion, and essentially letting my impulses drive the directionality of each day. Many days are spent this way, and I am aware that much of our culture not only shuns discipline, but purposefully lives from a place of desire alone.

I am a huge friend of a life that is passionate and committed, with a ’swing-for broke’ mentality that stares fear in the face, and steps forward anyways. Yet as I fumble toward maturity, and possibly even a bit of wisdom, I grow convinced that I no longer wish to live in impulsive ways. I want a better sort of life, and this life is only lived through positioning my life in such a way that the Spirit can use my willingness in committed, radical ways.

Are purposeful steps, a consistent direction, and the desire to live a better story (whether it be losing weight, raising money to head to South Africa, or giving myself a real shot to pursue some writing projects) actually more courageous than living in spurts of creativity and weeks of self-indulgence?  I have no answers this morning, only further questions.

Why I Am Returning To South Africa 4.

My dear group of Care Worker friends in Soshanguve.

Here’s How You Can Help Me.

I see 4 avenues of missional engagement with South Africans as the primary ‘currents’ within which I’ll swim as I return to South Africa for the next two years. Here’s the third avenue I see myself engaged in:

3. Spiritual Direction & Training of Care Workers in Soshanguve, a local township slum: I will continue my work with our sister tribe, InnerChange, an incarnational order that lives among the poor of Soshanguve, a local township slum area of 1.5 million South Africans about 20 miles outside of Pretoria. I will be partnering with Luc and Petunia Kabongo to train, mentor, and provide spiritual direction for their growing team living throughout this township by providing self-care and sustainable training for a group of 25 Care Workers. They are frontline hands and feet in the fight against the devastation of the HIV/AIDS pandemic in South Africa (Highest AIDS rate in the world!) as part of a home-based NGO that provides medical care to those dying of HIV/AIDS & related diseases.

My role is to care for these care workers.

Why I Am Returning To South Africa 3.

Downtown Pretoria from the top of the National Zoo (We will move to a neighborhood to the left of this photo)

Here’s How You Can Help Me.

As I wrote yesterday, I see 4 avenues of missional engagement with South Africans as the primary ‘currents’ within which I’ll swim as I return to South Africa for the next two years. Here’s the second avenue I see myself engaged in:

2. Transitioning our Community to move into the heart of downtown Pretoria so we can mentor & send South Africans: As a missional community seeking to incarnate within a neighborhood as a redemptive presence for all who we live among, NieuCommunities South Africa will move into the heart of downtown Pretoria in May 2010, specifically a set of neighborhoods that represent a lower-income, cross-pollination of South Africans that are of native South African, Afrikaans (Dutch), and British South African descent.  This area is one of a few neighborhoods where South Africans of different ethnicities actually live together, and thus is an area of great promise for us as a missional community. We will work closely in partnership with a number of churches and non-profits located throughout the city, as well as with the large university student population that lives directly in that area.

Why I’m Returning To South Africa 2.

Here’s How You Can Help Me.

Introducing a rhythm in practicing Spiritual Disciplines to our community.

I see 4 avenues of missional engagement with South Africans as the primary ‘currents’ within which I’ll swim as I return to South Africa for the next two years. Here’s the first avenue I see myself engaged in:

1. Developing Spiritual Formation & Rhythms in God for our Community: Using my training in Spiritual Formation and Direction, I will direct, deepen, and engage both our covenanted and wider South African community in spiritual rhythms, disciplines, and a formative process that helps open our hearts to God, each other, and the transformative journey that we are all on as followers of Jesus. I will oversee the “Communion & Community with God and each other” piece of NieuCommunities South Africa’s vision.

17 Cents.

The Cost Of 1 Meal For A Haitian Through Feed My Starving Children.

Feed My Starving Children

Speaking at Eastside Christian High School and Junior High (where I was Chaplain for the past 4+ years prior to spending 2009 in South Africa), I mentioned this ridiculous statistic that physically made me ill after learning that 17 lousy cents was all Feed My Starving Children needed to pull together a nutritious meal that is served to people starving to death around the world. Through the incredible engagement of 22,000+ college students at Passion 2010 a few weeks ago, over 100,000 meals were paid for, packed, and shipped by 500 students over the course of 2 afternoons. My little crew of students and I jumped on board this cause, and upon returning to speak at Eastside the next Friday, Eastside students sacrificed to provide 1,000 meals for the last and least of these, our neighbors, choosing to wed worship and justice together, seeking to have their songs of praise grow legs and become tangible action in our world.

Who knew that this Friday, January 8th, was a mere 100 hours prior to the worst natural disaster in the history of the Western Hemisphere, and that the provocative call to “Do Something Now” would directly engage our Haitian neighbors with a pre-emptive effort of love?

I am stunned at how the Spirit of God causes response in His people prior to a need being known. And I am grateful for students in a small Christian school in Fullerton who are engaging their worship through action!

Why I Am Returning To South Africa 1.

Here’s How You Can Help Me.

“I WANT THIS KIND OF NORMAL.”

I wrote those 6 declarative words in July 2008 at the close of an incredible spent living with the NieuCommunities South Africa family in Pretoria, South Africa, never knowing that they would draw me to return as Field Staff 2 years later.

My heart in this simple declaration was to name out loud the growing desire in my heart to leap out into the great world that God is re-creating all around us every second of every day.  Jesus describes this Kingdom of God’s as being ‘at hand,’ literally within arm’s reach. I yearn to live the kind of life where every breath that I take, whether in San Jose (the home where I grew up), Orange County (where I called home for 10 formative years in early adulthood), or now Pretoria, South Africa (much of 2008-2009, and now for the next 2 years, through 2011), is one of increasing openness, willingness, and receptivity to the presence of God in my life, and in the world in which I live.  My journey carried me to the bottom of the world in 2009, in an attempt to flesh out the heart behind that simple—yet deeply complex and challenging—declaration.

Now, I am called to return to Pretoria, South Africa, to join the NieuCommunities South Africa team in a season of great transition, and equally great opportunity. NieuCommunities is a collective of missional communities scattered around the world committed to mentor and send followers of God in the way of Jesus. Stated simply, we will train and empower South Africans to live as missional Christians in their own neighborhoods, as well as send them to influence leaders around the globe.

I invite you to join me in this adventure of becoming myself—Chris Kamalski. I need you: your love, questions, relationships, prayers, thoughts as I move into this calling.  I wish to be a true friend to you as well: to provoke your thoughts, struggles; to ask you to join with me in pursuing ‘the life that is truly life.’

Nina’s Cry.

Yesterday was a brilliantly sunny Saturday in Orange County, the kind of day where the smog has been blown out to see by the recent deluge of storms, leaving the stunning snowy mountains as a testament to God’s breathtaking beauty, and reminding us why the first settlers to this area knew exactly what they were doing in parking it here so long ago.

For 12 hours yesterday, I was (somewhat) cooped up in a house as a part of a day-long retreat kicking off a week-long orientation for new staff of CRM Empowering Leaders, the non-profit mission organization I have recently gone full-time with as Field Staff for NieuCommunities South Africa. I gathered with 27 new staff from literally all across the United States, and even the world, for an amazing day of teaching, heartfelt worship, and slowing down to consider what the Spirit is saying to us as we move forward in missional service.

During the late afternoon, we carved out 90 minutes for silent reflection, simply choosing to refrain from speaking in order to give space to the God who often whispers. (I should mention at this point that several infants had joined us throughout this retreat day, and a rotating cadre of mothers and fathers cycled out to care for hungry cries, dirty diapers, and the near-constant need for an affectionate touch. In reality, it was a beautiful sight to be reminded of how consistently helpless a newborn actually is). Shortly after we entered into silence, Nina started crying, the 3-month little girl of Chris and Anya Gandy, who are preparing to head overseas to St. Petersburg, Russia this Fall.

I had busied myself at a reflection station full of beautiful irises, ‘considering the lilies of the field’ a la Matthew 6, as irises are actually a cousin to the lily. Upon realizing just how deeply I am filled with anxiety six weeks before leaving for 2 more years in South Africa (So much money to raise! I am really doing this! My life is changing! An old life has ended! I am confident God is directing me, but aaaaahhh!), I had not moved from this spot for about 30 minutes.

Initially, her cry irritated me, as I was already quite distracted with my own anxiety, let alone the fussing of a newborn little girl. Until I heard her father gently respond to her, quieting her in love through a tender “shh.” As he sang over his daugther, tears welled in my eyes, the Spirit gently making obvious something God must see all the time: that in fact, I am that infant, fussing and crying over needs that remain undefined, wailing at times simply to hear the strength of my own lungs, all the while refusing initially the comfort of a tender Father singing a made-up song over me, rocking me back to calm with the soft ’shh’ of His Voice.

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

The Wisdom Of The Velveteen Rabbit.

Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand. [Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit]